“If I know what love is, it is because of you.”

It is a wonder how much things have changed in the course of a year. It is even more a wonder how much I have changed.

I remember around this time of the year, I was thinking of ending my relationship for no particular reason. I just felt like ending it. I remember telling my friend that I miss being single; that I miss flirting freely with other guys and going wherever I want without someone constantly making me go home. The thought of wanting to be free lingered in my mind for months on end. It made me wonder what kind of relationship I was having with my boyfriend. Was I staying just because I wanted to have a boyfriend to run to? Was I even taking the relationship seriously?

Then, something changed. It wasn’t something that I noticed right away. It just happened. It was something I never really felt before. It was such an unfamiliar feeling that it bothered me for nights. Until… I realized that I love him. I really love him. It was not the kind I felt before. It was something more. Before, I could take not talking to him for days; I could take not seeing him for weeks. But now, I have the sudden longing to be with him – to hug him for hours, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to look at his face. Suddenly, it was like I can’t stand not being with him. For the first time, I felt that I really did love him. It wasn’t just a game anymore.

I never thought that I would come to this point. I have always thought that after my failed relationship before, I wouldn’t be able to take any guy seriously anymore. I thought that I wasn’t capable of ever trusting someone with my heart. Then he came. He changed me. He brought the feeling I have hidden in the farthest reaches of my heart and mind back.

And I thank him for that.

I have almost forgotten how good it feels to love and allow someone to love me. I have almost forgotten the feeling of wanting to be with someone.

 

Finally back.

I just came back from a 6-day island vacation with my best friend. It was awesome. It actually got me thinking…

Being away from him for six days and barely communicating gave me the time and space I needed. I remember going on a river cruise with my best friend, we saw this couple sitting at the end of the boat – the guy’s arm was wrapped around the girl’s. It was such a sweet sight. I couldn’t help but think about him, how much I wanted him to be there with me.

I also remember lying down on a beach bed late at night, looking at the stars. I never felt so alone. I know, my best friend was with me, but there’s was a part of me that wants him to be there beside me. I miss him so much. I can’t wait to see him again.

 

Just a thought…

 

 

“There’s nothing scarier than getting what you really want… because then, you’d have something really wonderful to lose.”

 

On Relationships

It is now the 21st of September 2008. In nine days, my boyfriend and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary. To be honest, I never really thought I would stay this long in a relationship. In fact, I never thought that I would even last for a month. But, here I am — approaching our first year. I won’t deny it. There have been many times that I thought about breaking it off. I am the kind of person that would get herself into things and end up not finishing what she started. I could not think of one thing that I actually finished or at least remained in for a long period of time. My relationship with my boyfriend faced the same issue. I found so many reasons why I should end it, and it was hard to even think of one reason to stay. However, with the support I received from my boyfriend and the guidance my friends offered, I was able to make it this far.

Here are a few things I learned after reflecting my one year of being in a relationship…

1. Things will happen if we let them happen.
2. Talk about your problems with your partner — it helps, seriously.
3. We always wait for the right time, not realizing that any time is right as long as we make it the right time.
4. In relation to #3: Anyone can be “the one” as long as we make him/her the one.
5. Don’t let the past get in the way of the present. Past is past, leave it where it belongs.
6. It won’t hurt to say “I love you” every single day.
7. Hugs can mean a lot.
8. Never let a day pass without fixing problems in the relationship.
9. Always make your partner feel appreciated.
10. Make time. If you don’t have time, well… find a way!

 

Talk about being down in the dumps.

I am not having a good week. In fact, I am not having a good month. I know I have been trying to have a change in my life; I know I vowed to make my life better… but somehow, it is just not working. I tried everything – well, perhaps my efforts are not enough. But anyway, I did try my best to make things better for me. I do not know what I am doing wrong. It’s just… not working.

I want to improve my academics. I have been studying until the wee hours in the morning… but I still fail. I want to improve my relationships with other people. I have been trying to reach out… but I ended up making the one person that really cared for me cry. I want to have a healthier lifestyle. I have been avoiding unhealthy food… but nothing’s happening.

I hate it. I hate how nothing is changing despite my efforts.

 

How are you supposed to know?

How are you supposed to know that you have met the one? How can you tell if you are happy with him or not? How can you tell if you should stay or walk away?

According to my friends, I have actually met the one. From their observations, he looks like the perfect partner for me. I can’t argue with them. They are right. I do think that I found the right person. I mean, he is very understanding. He loves me and he never fails to show it. He listens and tries to make the relationship work. He gets along with my friends. He knows me very well. In short, he strives to make me happy. However, at the end of the day, I still feel like something is lacking. I don’t get why I don’t feel happy despite all his effort. I should be happy — but I’m not. It just feels… incomplete.

We are approaching the one year mark for our relationship. Until now, he never met my family. I feel like this is something very alarming. If I love him, I would have introduced him to my family long before without hesitation. If I love him enough, I wouldn’t be scared of my family’s reaction. But I never really took the courage to bring him home. I always made excuses. Maybe I don’t love him enough?

I feel guilty doing this to him. He has made a lot of effort, and here I am, distancing myself and trying my hardest not to get too attached. If you love someone, you would give everything, right? But I’m doing the opposite. Does this mean I don’t love him? He doesn’t deserve to be treated this way, which is why sometimes, I feel like I should end our relationship. He’s a great guy; he deserves a girl who would treat him right. I have been treating him like crap, I believe. Not outwardly… but I am treating him that way. I haven’t been giving him credit for all his hard work in our relationship, and that isn’t right. Worst part is, I know it isn’t right, but I’m not really doing anything about it.

So why am I staying? I don’t know. Really.

I was talking to one friend last night. I’m very thankful because he has been very forward to me about my relationship with my boyfriend. “If you’re not happy, then why are you staying?” he asked. I couldn’t give an answer. “You’re not brave enough to tell him, huh?” he said after a long pause. I totally agree with him. I’m being too much of a coward. I couldn’t tell him because I’m scared that I’d hurt him. I’m scared that I won’t say the right words…

But I know I can’t stay any longer. I just need to muster all the courage I can get. I hope that’s soon. I have been pretending to be happy with him too long, and I can’t keep pretending. Sure, I found the right person. It’s just that, he came at the wrong time.

I guess I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. Maybe I need to find myself first– I need to heal old wounds and discover what I really want. I need to reflect and reflect some more. If I don’t fix myself, I’m going to end up ruining someone else’s life; and I don’t want that to happen. I need to save myself, and I need to save him from me as well.

 

Time For A Change

Okay. After a whole afternoon of reflecting, I came to realize that I lost total control over myself. I have let go… and it sucks.

1. I gained weight.
Just a few months ago, I was living a healthy lifestyle. I was at the right weight and was really fit. But now, well, I have totally let go of the so-called “healthy living.” I have been eating fastfood almost every day and have not been exercising. And what’s the price of this? I gained a LOT of weight, plus I’ve been really sickly.

2. I look awful, seriously.
Last year, everyone would always tell me that I look ‘blooming.’ But now, I lost that glow. Since I have been preoccupied by nonsense things, I forgot about pampering myself every now and then.

3. My academics are down in the pits.
My grades are all mediocre. Enough said.

4. I seem to have lost the ‘connection’ with my friends and family.
Since I have been doing unimportant things, I realized that I haven’t been spending enough time with my family and friends. And, now, it’s really hard for me to reconnect with them. It’s like I don’t know them anymore. There’s a lot to catch up on.

5. I need to renew my relationship with my boyfriend.
I know I have been writing beautiful things about me and my boyfriend in this blog. However, after reflecting about our relationship, I feel like it has lost the excitement I used to feel when with him. It has become, well, boring. I want to make it work… but if this pursues, then I’ll have to think about breaking away for some time.

So, those are the five main things I need to focus on for the coming months. What do I plan to do?

1. Work out (to tone my body again) + Yoga (to relax and focus my mind). I shall let go of fastfood as well and have a healthier diet.

2. Go to the spa! I’m gonna have that luxurious massage, I’m gonna have my lashes permed (natural curl), I’m gonna have my brows threaded, I’m gonna go to the dermatologist for help to get my glow back.

3. Make time for studying! It’s about time for me to start managing my schedule.

4. Simple. Spend time with my family and friends!

5. I’m going to talk to my boyfriend. It’s about time to have an open-forum discussion about my feelings towards him.

It’s not going to be an easy change for me, I know. But hopefully, after some time, I’d get myself back on track. I wouldn’t want to be stuck this way for the rest of my life! I’d be writing here weekly for updates on how I have improved and the problems I have encountered along the way. As for you, my dear readers, some support would help!

– K.

 

In My Life

Today has been a sad day for me (and my comrades as well). Today, I resigned from my HG training. My comrades and I all tried to make this day as normal as possible, but then we just can’t get over the fact that we were going to part ways. We have been through a lot of hard times together. As one, we faced the physical and emotional challenges that training brought to us. We were shouted at, we were ordered around, we were made to believe that we were nothing. I wouldn’t have made it this far without my comrades. I mean, I would have quit a long time ago… but because of them, I stayed longer. However, my condition won’t allow me to train any further. I need to rest and pushing my body further will harm me. I will still be there for them, though. I will be there every training day to cheer them on. I will be in every activity. I will be in every lunch and dinner date with them. I am technically taken off the HG, but in our hearts, we are still brothers and sisters in arms. As we always said, “Once an HG, always an HG.” I’ll miss the bonding sessions after the tiring training. I’ll miss the tears and the laughter. Most of all, I’ll miss my comrades — my brothers and my sisters.

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

I will forever cherish the moments I had with my comrades. I will constantly go back to the memories we had with each other. I WILL NEVER FORGET.

 

Is it you?

I was in the car with my boyfriend last night when he brought up a topic that I didn’t expect that we will actually talk about any time soon. “Who’s going to be your bridesmaid when we get married?” he asked out of nowhere. I gave out a little giggle. I really thought he was kidding. He talks as if he is so sure that we would end up with each other. Not that I don’t think we’d end up with each other… it’s just, well, too soon to assume. Anyway, moving on with the story. “I haven’t thought about it,” I told him. “Why not?” he asked. “I’m a long way from there,” I said. Then, I saw that disappointed look he displays every time he hears something he doesn’t like. “It’s like you don’t even plan on getting married,” he suddenly said. “It’s not that… I mean, I want to… but, I have things to do before I actually get married,” I explained. “Like what?” he asked in his irritated voice. “Well, I want to travel first,” I said. “Then you’d come home with some other guy,” he added. I just looked at him, surprised. “There’s one thing I promised to do when I entered this relationship. I will give my all to you. What you do after that… well, it’s upto you,” he added. Note that my boyfriend is a very dramatic guy. Lol. But one thing is for sure, he does what he says. When he said he gives everything, he really does. Ok, moving on.

“Do you love me?” he asked. Start of the drama! “Of course I do. I wouldn’t have stayed with you this long if I didn’t,” I said with a smile. Finally, his face lit up. “Don’t leave me?” he said, in a question tone. “I won’t,” I assured him. He wrapped his arm around me. It felt so good.

I have never felt this way with any guy. With him, it just feels so right. It feels like every time I’m with him, every time he hugs me, everything around me doesn’t matter anymore. Dramatic, I know. But it’s true. I know there are many issues regarding our relationship. Well, we don’t have issues with each other… but my family has an issue about me being in a relationship with him. I don’t know why they can’t accept him. It seems like they’re refusing to see who he really is.

*****

“Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognise you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you.”

 

Somewhere In Time

About two years ago, my best friend told me about this movie entitled “Somewhere In Time.” I really wanted to watch the movie because the story is really interesting, but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find a copy. It was only yesterday when I found a dvd copy in one of the stores. I was soooo excited that after buying the copy, I went home right away and watched. It’s one of the most romantic stories I have ever seen.

There are a lot of powerful lines in the story, but what struck me are two particular lines by Elise McKenna.

“Come back to me…”

“There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you.”

“Is it you?”

I was really left speechless as Elise spoke those words. Her words are very beautiful, very striking. You could really feel how she is feeling.

I have always thought about the concept they gave in the movie. Could one actually travel through time just to be with the one he/she loves? Could one photograph actually capture a person’s mind and heart? I am very fond of browsing through old photographs and I have always had the feeling of wanting to be in the photograph. Then, I saw this film. It really enchanted me and left me thinking.